Don't know what you got (till it's gone)
by SilentChild187
Summary: Todoroki is absolutely done when he starts coughing up yellow iris petals. His unrequited love for his rival slash friend will be the death of him, quite literally. (hanahaki au)


Don't know what you got (till it's gone)

I.

It starts normally, as most disastrous things do. A slight tickling of the throat like a feather lodged in his windpipe. It's irritating but not painful, so he coughs, trying to get rid of the uncomfortable feeling. It only alleviates the itch a little, but Todoroki dismisses the strange feeling. He really can't afford to be distracted right now, not when he's not in his dorm and back at home directly under his father's nose. Any signs of weakness, even if it's just a little cough, aren't tolerated in the Todoroki household, so he pushes the feeling away to the back of his mind and forces himself to concentrate.

_It's probably just a small cold from getting caught under the rain without an umbrella yesterday,_ Todoroki reassures himself as he grabs the water bottle next to him and chugs it all down in one gulp. _It'll pass in no time. _

And with that, he completely forgets about it.

II.

The second time he starts coughing, it's a little harder to breathe. It takes him only about five seconds to reign in his coughs, but it's long enough for the ever perceptive Midoriya, who's sitting next to him during lunchtime, to turn his head and look at him with mild concern.

"Hey, are you okay, Todoroki? Did you catch a cold?"

"Yeah, I guess." Todoroki responds after swallowing another mouthful of cold soba. The coolness of the slippery noodles relieves his somewhat hot and scratchy throat, but just a little. The forgotten memory of a tickled throat just a week ago back home during training rises in his mind, and he frowns a little before continuing, "It's nothing. It'll probably go away soon."

Midoriya nods and smiles sympathetically before he turns away, leaving Todoroki with his own thoughts and an unfinished plate of cold soba.

III.

Another coughing fit starts, this time in the middle of an English lesson. He discreetly covers his mouth, suddenly glad his seat had been assigned towards the back of the classroom, and tries to muffle the sounds before he draws any unnecessary and unwarranted attention. Thank goodness for Present Mic's loud and rowdy voice, which hides everything.

This cough is now getting slightly worrying, though. It's already been a week and a half since the cough has started, and while he admits he's been pushing himself a bit too hard these days, his body should be strong enough to overcome a simple flu or cough without any external help of medicine or pills (as he has learnt from experience). Is his immune system getting weaker or something?

It's probably not a problem, Todoroki thinks for the second time, but now it's less convincing.

Damn, he really is weak if he's letting an inconsequential cough screw with him. He's overcomplicating this. If his father ever knows of it, an additional two hours of intense training would probably follow, and Todoroki absolutely loathes intense training. He wrinkles his nose at the thought, and tries to focus on the textbook splayed in front of him instead of the burn of his throat.

IV.

Then he starts coughing again, this time thankfully in the privacy of his own room just before he's about to go to bed for some well-earned sleep, and it's more severe. This time, it takes fifteen seconds for the coughs to die away and another additional ten seconds to recover his breath. It's feels like he's getting choked, and it's not a pleasant sensation.

This is getting annoying.

Todoroki rubs his temples in frustration. He has enough on his plate right now, what with his usual hero training and the additional intense training he's doing, not to mention revision for exams and so this stupid persistent cold isn't really helping matters. First and second year were a _breeze _compared to third year, and he has no doubt they're going to get even more swamped with work afterwards.

He contemplates just ignoring the cold and letting it die off by itself, but the impending unease of _something _happening tells him to go to the nurse room for some pills next week if his cough is still not cured. And so he resolves to do so and turns the light off.

The next morning, he wakes up with two yellow iris petals lying innocently on his pillowcase, and for some unknown reason his heart sinks.

He doesn't think much of the petals (it probably just flew in from the window) and he goes on with his daily life and routine, albeit now intermixed with occasional bouts of coughs which are becoming not so occasional. People he usually interacts with like Midoriya, Iida and Yaoyorozu ask him about it but he brushes them off. It's nothing important.

Then one day (or night, depending on how you see it), almost four weeks after his first coughing bout, it's 4:26 am and he's choking on and coughing yellow iris petals into the bathroom sink.

V.

Hanahaki disease.

Fucking Hanahaki disease.

Todoroki believes this situation merits some swear words, because he has _a fucking flower growing inside his chest right now, ready to kill him when it fully blooms in the most painful and drawn out way possible. _

The realisation sits heavy on his chest, and Todoroki can't help but ask, _why me? _

Why him, of all the people in the world? Why now, when he's at his busiest, when he can't afford to mess up? He used to be indifferent to romance and love and all that sap, and now, when he reads the website with an uncharacteristically glowering face, he hates it. He hates romance. He wishes it never intruded upon his life.

Fate really does love to mess him up.

Todoroki thinks he's in a soap drama, because no way in hell. This is absolutely ridiculous. Of all the ways he could potentially die, and he loses to a flower in his chest that's blooming because of his unrequited love?

It sounds so much like a movie or a cliche novel he wants to laugh and cry at the same time. Probably a mixture of both.

He rereads the website. He double checks and triple checks the symptoms of this rare flower disease, as if it'll make the words and the truth go away.

It doesn't, and it only makes reality worse.

Todoroki finally gives in and leans back with a sigh, muffled by the hands covering his face. This is too much. For once, Todoroki wants to give up and go back to sleep and pretend nothing has ever happened. That he didn't just diagnose himself with a fucking flower disease that sounds fictional and basically grants him a death sentence.

He's dying, and he doesn't even know who's causing his demise.

Todoroki knows he can't escape from it forever, so after another ten minutes of just lying on his tatami, staring up at the ceiling and thinking nothing in particular, he gets up and starts researching.

According to research, he has maybe months left to live, possibly a year if he's lucky. But judging from the severity of his coughs, he's probably in the unlucky section. He'll be damned if he can even last for half a year, especially if he's already coughing petals in his first month.

Of course. Why is he even surprised.

He has three choices.

One is to take the budding flower out through surgery and thus forget all associated memories and feelings of that person. But while this option sounds extremely tempting as of now, somehow, the thought of forgetting everything associated to this mysterious person makes his heart throb.

The second one is to get his romantic interest to return his love. This option sounds impossible, especially when he doesn't even know which bastard is damning him right now.

The third one, of course, is to just die from getting choked to death by the flower.

Wonderful, just wonderful. That sounds like an amazingly painful way to die.

At this point, Todoroki has regained his composure and to be honest, he's a little afraid by his own calmness. There isn't fear or dread or anything, just numbness. Like it isn't happening to his own body.

But he supposes he's been walking between the lines of life and death ever since he was born as a Todoroki.

"It's way too early for this shit." Todoroki shakes his head, as if to rid of the destructive thoughts that cloud his mind, and curses aloud. Maybe it's because of this sudden impending death sentence that's hovering above his head, but he's cursing more frequently than he used to.

If Fuyumi hears him…

Speaking of his sister, what should he tell his siblings? Should he even tell them? He doesn't even know if he's overacting. If he can just finish the surgery quickly and quietly and remove the flower before it takes root in his lungs, then nobody would need to know anything.

Which then reminds him of his own promise to go to the nurse office, and he closes his eyes in sheer frustration.

So many things to worry about.

The thought of it tightens his chest and he spirals off into another coughing fit but thankfully without petals this time, and he steadies himself by the doorframe. After another minute of deep breaths, he opens the door and walks out.

It's 5:15 am and there aren't a lot of people up, and the meditative silence weaves itself through the dorm. It's so different from the usually loud and explosive atmosphere, when Todoroki's classmates are hanging out at the common room.

The silence is perfect and Todoroki turns back to his internal thoughts and decisions.

_I don't even know who it is. I'll do the surgery after I figure out who it is I like, _Todoroki thinks silently in his heart.

On his way down he's so lost in his thoughts he almost trips over the stairs and crashes into Bakugo, who then proceeds to almost burn down the whole dorm.

"Where the fuck do you think you're going, half and half bastard?!" Bakugo yells, and while it still pierces the silence, it's a far cry from his usual battle shouts. Does this mean Bakugo has an inside voice?

The explosive sparks hovering dangerously near Todoroki's vision snaps him out of it, and he subsequently sends small flicks of ice to freeze the palm of his temperamental classmate.

"Sorry." Todoroki offers. He doesn't know what makes him think of it, but he suddenly recalls the yellow iris petals he'd coughed just now and it bears a striking similarity to the colour of Bakugo's spiky hair.

"Don't freeze my palm, you damn icicle!"

"Then please don't burn down the whole building while you're at it." Yes, maybe Todoroki is a little on the short end of the stick today, but he definitely thinks he's got the rights. He's sleep deprived, his throat is itching to cough again and he just found out he's going to die in possibly months. Give him a break.

"Hah?!" Bakugo frowns at him. "What are you saying?"

"Nothing. Excuse me." Todoroki ignores the indignant blond and pushes past him, descending the stairs before the fight continues. He's in no mood to put up with social interaction today, much less with Bakugo of all people.

"Hi, Todoroki!" Midoriya beams brightly in greeting from his place on the couch, a book spread over his lap.

"Good morning." He returns, albeit a little coldly, and heads into the kitchen to make a sandwich, where Tokoyami is eating cereal. This time, he doesn't even bother with words and just nods to Tokoyami before he heads to the counter to make a sandwich.

In the meantime, he really needs to figure out his next move about Hanahaki disease. Will it affect his training? Maybe he should go consult Recovery Girl, and get some pills to slow down the process or something. Also, he should probably tell somebody about—

"Uh, Todoroki? That's mayonnaise you're spreading on the bread, not butter," Tokoyami points out, interrupting his thoughts.

"Oh. Thanks." Todoroki discards the bread and puts the jar of mayonnaise back into the shelf. Shit, he really needs to focus; he can't afford to be distracted with anything now. He'll find a way to deal with the stupid flower problem later.

VI.

Later turns out to be three weeks later.

Well, his schedule has been absolutely packed and hectic lately, and there hasn't been any room for thought for the flower still growing steadily in his chest. He may or may not have purposefully inserted more training sessions because he wanted to avoid allowing himself spare time to think.

It is self destructive, but honestly, who cares? It's not the first time, and besides, he might die in four months. All this is going down the drain anyway.

His depressive thoughts definitely don't help.

He's currently in the middle of a sparring session with Bakugo. He's been suppressing the coughs for a while now, and usually, it works. He takes frequent toilet breaks during day time and watches the petals swirl down the sink; he releases the pent up coughs and petals during night time, in the darkness of his own room, blaring loud music to block all sounds of coughing and dry retching of petals. But in this particular instance, when his defence slips for a second and Bakugo lands a solid hit on his chest, it all comes dislodging out.

He starts coughing, and he can feel the coughs wracking his entire frame. He's barely aware of Bakugo yelling something incomprehensible in front of him, too preoccupied with the burning in his throat. He feels like he doesn't have enough air to breathe—he claws at his throat desperately, trying to get rid of the petals blocking his airway. Luckily, he grasps tight onto his only semblance of sanity and he quickly burns the petals as quickly as they come. The bright and fierce yellow petals fade into nothing but ashes, smeared across his gloves. With the evidence now safely gone forever, he straightens up, still trying to catch his breath.

He looks up and catches Bakugo staring at him silently, and for some reason Todoroki feels a burning heat across his face.

"Sorry," Todoroki grimaces. "We can continue now."

"Continue?!" Bakugo explodes. "What the fuck was that, candy cane? You sounded like you were dying!"

"I was," Todoroki mutters, too low for Bakugo to hear, then speaks up. "It's nothing."

In a few strides, Bakugo is right in front of him, glaring at him with rage and something else simmering behind the red orbs. "You've become weaker, you damned idiot!" Bakugo roars. "You're supposed to be aiming for first, not last, dumbass!"  
"I'll try harder." Todoroki says. He doesn't know what else there is to say.

"It's been more than a month, get your cough under control! I don't want a half assed competitor!"

Todoroki's eyes widen.

"You noticed?" the words slip out before he intends them to.

"How could I not, when you keep coughing and keeping me up every night?!"

"I'm sorry," Todoroki repeats, quieter this time. All he can do is apologise. "I'll be quieter next time."

"There is no next time! Go get your cough checked, half and half bastard!" His words are as close to concern as Bakugo Katsuki will ever manage, and Todoroki nods, trying to ignore the warmth that's spreading through his body. It's a different warmth from the heat of his fire, and while it feels unfamiliar, it makes him feel safe.

He decides he likes it.

The thought makes his breath hitch and almost launch into another coughing attack, but Todoroki thinks it's worth it.

VII.

Bakugo is spending more time with him.

Todoroki doesn't know why, doesn't know how, but it's not just surprise he feels when the volatile blond drops into a seat next to him during lunch without a word, eyes daring him to say a single thing; there's also delight. The warmth comes back and cradles him in its embrace.

Todoroki hides his smile behind cold soba noodles.

The Bakusquad (as affectionately dubbed by Uraraka) follows Bakugo's lead and suddenly their table is more crowded than usual. Todoroki is pretty socially inept, so he keeps to himself and his soba. If, for some unnamed reason, his eyes keep getting drawn to Bakugo, well, it's only because Bakugo looks hot.

Wait, what.

Todoroki blinks and almost spats out the mouthful of juice he had in his mouth, which then provokes a chain reaction of him spluttering and coughing. The now all too familiar feel of constriction strikes and he gasps, like a fish on land, for air that doesn't come. He's choking and it takes every single fibre in his body to keep the petals inside his mouth. There's a cacophony of sounds; he can distinguish Bakugo's signature voice amongst the hubbub, and someone's hand is gripping his arm, anchoring him to the ground. He feels dizzy and weak and is he falling backwards…?

"…oroki! Todoroki, can you hear me?" Uraraka's voice is right next to his ear now, and he nods, almost frantically. He's recovering a little now. Todoroki covers his mouth and starts coughing; the petals are skilfully whisked out of sight and into his uniform sleeves. He greedily gulps in several breaths of fresh air after he finishes coughing.

"Do you need to go see Recovery Girl?" Midoriya asks.

Todoroki shakes his head. He doesn't really trust his voice right now.

He excuses himself from the table and hurriedly flees, ignoring the burning of his classmates' stares, especially one red eyed glare.

VIII.

Nobody speaks of that lunchtime episode.

Todoroki is embarrassed by his lack of control. Midoriya and the others are concerned, but they know when not to push.

But Bakugo doesn't. He can feel the two red eyes boring into his skull in the classroom. He can feel them when he's in the dorm, sprawled on the couch and revising. He can feel them when he's trying to finish up his dinner quickly and escape back to his room.

Two days later, he's cornered by Bakugo after school.

Bakugo is walking briskly, autumn leaves crunching under his thudding steps. He doesn't say a word, and neither does Todoroki. He just enjoys the silence he rarely gets.

Finally, they stop, a little ways away from the main campus and Bakugo, without looking directly at him, thrusts a bottle at him.

"Take it," he snaps, and Todoroki takes it. It's cough syrup, he realises a little belatedly.

"I've been using it since elementary school. The stuff smells weird, but it works." Bakugo's voice is gruff but it's softer than he's ever heard it before. For once, he isn't screaming or yelling.

Then the sun shifts and Todoroki is taken off guard.

Bakugo, framed in dappling patches of faint orange and yellow, looks absolutely stunning.

Todoroki knows he's gay. He knows he isn't interested in girls, so the cause of the yellow iris blooming beautifully in his chest must be a boy. He doesn't have a lot of friends; in fact, to be honest, he's only close friends with Midoriya, Iida and Yoarashi from Shiketsu High. Bakugo would maybe count as half a friend, but he's more like a rival.

He knows he's not interested in Midoriya, who's only got the hots for Uraraka. He doesn't like Iida in a romantic way, and he only texts Yoarashi occasionally (more like Yoarashi constantly spammed him all day while he only texted back once or twice) after clearing up the misunderstanding about the provisional license exam, but Bakugo…

What does he think of Bakugo?

He thinks of burning passion and victory. He thinks of overwhelming and undying strength, stubborn to its very roots. He thinks of an equal and a worthy rival. He thinks of harsh insults and spat out words, which is how Bakugo copes with the world. He thinks of pride and arrogance and the overwhelming drive and need to _win. _He thinks of the fierce strokes of orange and yellow in the dawn, ready to usher in a new era of day. He thinks of the destructive brilliance of a comet, streaking brightly across the sky.

He understands Bakugo in ways he doesn't understand. Somehow, without Todoroki even noticing it himself, Bakugo is already a part of his life. In many ways, Bakugo is his reflection, but in many ways, Bakugo is also his complete opposite.

Fuck.

Without realising it, Todoroki smiles and says, "Thank you," even as the flower in his chest throbs and grows and blooms.

IX.

The heart wants what it wants.

Todoroki is experiencing for himself what that phrase means now.

He doesn't know how to proceed, even though he's finally figured out his feelings for _Bakugo, _of all people.

Should he confess to Bakugo? Does he tell Bakugo about his illness so they can clear it up?

He needs to do something, anything, because it's already been two months and the coughing fits are increasing in frequency and severity. The teachers are working their asses off, and Todoroki knows that it won't be long before his body gives out from all the training.

He needs to tell someone about his deteriorating condition. Someone who can help.

He looks at the clock ticking above his head. It's 6:30. He sighs, and decides to head to the main campus and find Recovery Girl. With any luck, he'll make it back in time for dinner.

On his way out he almost bumps into Bakugo. Speak of the devil.

"Oi! What are you doing without a coat when it's already November? You already have a bloody cold, remember, idiot?" Bakugo barks at him furiously.

Todoroki just points to his left side as explanation. He can't deal with Bakugo now, at least not yet. He isn't ready.

"If you Fire Quirk was useful, then you wouldn't have gotten a cold in the first place!" Bakugo retorts, but as he speaks, he's unwrapping the thick, woollen scarf around his neck and throws it at Todoroki's face, who almost drops it in surprise.

He recovers quickly, and despite himself, Todoroki chuckles. "I'm going to Recovery Girl now. I'll be fine."

"Who's worrying about you, hah?! Just return it when you come back," Without waiting for a reply, Bakugo storms back inside, but not before Todoroki catches sight of the slightest hint of red on his cheeks. Subconsciously, the corners of his lips tug up, but the incoming cough threatening to tumble out of his chest quickly chases away the fleeing warmth.

Todoroki resumes his journey.

"Hanahaki?" Recovery Girl's peering at him with concern and worry. "How long has it been going for?"

"About two months." Todoroki answers truthfully. "I'm not coughing up blood yet, though."

"What flower?"

"Yellow iris."

"For fierce love and passion." Recovery Girl comments. "So, do you know who it is?"

"I think so."

Recovery Girl sighs and writes something down. "I assume you're here for the surgery?"

The "yes" is on the tip of his tongue.

He's already feeling more drained and battered than usual, what with the decrease in his stamina. The coughs are destroying his body bit by bit, and he's not sure how much more he can stand. The pain is excruciating and the dizziness from the lack of oxygen transforms into overwhelming panic that clouds his mind and stops him from thinking clearly until he manages to clear his windpipe. He doesn't want to go through it anymore, not when it's only getting worse. Fighting and training is harsher than usual, and if he wants to get to the top, then he needs to say yes now before it's too late. It won't be long until he's coughing up blood and vomiting complete flowers, and then it's death.

But he doesn't want to let go.

He doesn't want to let go of this miraculous feeling he's just discovered, like a little bird flapping its wings in his heart. Speaking and interacting with Bakugo sends his heart racing and he feels more alive than ever. He wants to grasp this fragile thing called love and keep it close to his beating and dying heart.

Todoroki almost laughs at his own thoughts. Since when has he become so sappy and romantic?

"I…don't want to give up yet." Todoroki replies slowly.

Recovery Girl shakes her head. "Young Todoroki, you're not far from coughing up blood now. You only have roughly four months left to live. If it's too late and the iris blooms completely, then even I can't help you."

"I know the risk," Todoroki says, unwavering, "But I want to keep trying." The image of the almost imperceptible blush on Bakugo's face from earlier flashes across his vision, and his resolve strengthens.

After all, Todoroki doesn't like to back down from any challenge, even if his life is on the line.

Recovery Girl looks at him silently for a few moments before she gets up and grabs a bottle of pills from the shelves. "This won't slow down the progress much, but it'll alleviate your coughs and make it less painful. That's all I can give you now if you won't accept surgery."

"Thank you." Todoroki pockets the bottle and bows in gratitude. "Please don't inform my parents about this."

Recovery Girl frowns. "You can't keep this a secret forever, Todoroki. At the very least, I'll need to report to the school board about your sickness so they can take measures."

Todoroki remains bowing, staring at the polished tile floor between his feet. "I'll tell my parents eventually, after I finish the surgery. Please."

"Todoroki—"

"Please." Todoroki lifts his eyes to meet Recovery Girl's. He doesn't know what the old nurse sees, but it's enough.

She pats him on the shoulder. "Alright, but just this occasion. I'll make sure Aizawa doesn't overtrain you and promise me you'll get surgery as soon as possible."

"I promise. Thank you very much."

He heads back to the dorm.

The fragrant smell of curry drifts through the entire common room. Todoroki inhales, perhaps a little too deeply, because it spikes another coughing fit. Todoroki hastily and discreetly swallows a pill and the coughs die down, but it leaves him trembling, like a leaf in the storm.

"Are you still sick, Todoroki? Those coughs sound nasty," Kaminari asks, slouched on the couch next to Kirishima.

"It's getting better," Todoroki lies, forcing the tremors to stop. He ducks his head to hide the pain in his eyes, but thankfully Kaminari drops it after saying, "Dope."

He wanders into the kitchen to see if he can help out, but regrets his decision five seconds later. The smell of spicy curry is now overpowering his senses, and it almost sends him into another fit. He swiftly backs away from the kitchen until he's at a safe distance and the provoking smell doesn't hurt his throat anymore.

"Hey, Todoroki! You ok?" Ashido asks cheerily, still scooping up rice and serving it to the others.

"Yeah, I'm just a little tired. I think I'll skip dinner tonight." Todoroki excuses himself from the prying glances of his friends and hurriedly climbs the stairs, desperately holding in the coughs building up in his chest.

He only releases his breath when he reaches his door and locks himself in. He doesn't know how long he's been coughing, but when he finishes, his throat is completely raw and there's another scatter of petals tainted with blood in front of him.

Todoroki drops onto the ground, exhausted. That was too close.

He picks up a petal and absentmindedly plays with it, smearing blood all over his fingers. He's beginning to cough blood up now, which means the plant is already pretty much settled.

With a burst of flame, he incinerates the petals and wipes the floor clean. He ignores the pangs of his stomach and instead unwraps the scarf around his neck from Bakugo. He needs to return it soon, but he's too tired and in pain to do anything now.

He drags himself to his bed and grabs a book to read, hoping to distract himself from the pain by revising. It doesn't really work, but it calms him down and lulls him to sleep…until his door bursts open.

Todoroki's mismatched eyes shoot open, all drowsiness gone when he sees Bakugo standing by the door.

"Hey, candy cane! You need dinner or you're never getting better!" Bakugo snarls. "You love this shit, don't you?" He thrusts a plate of cold soba at Todoroki, whose eyes widen.

"Thanks, Bakugo." He accepts the offering gladly, then quickly pulls out the scarf he'd lay on the bed. "Here."

Bakugo accepts it with a grunt and leaves by slamming the door hard enough for the entire doorframe to shake.

Todoroki looks at the plate of soba sitting innocently in front of him and his throat gets all clogged up again.

A while later, when he's not hacking his lungs out, he smiles at the soba.

Does he have any hope?

X.

Over the next two months, Todoroki gets to know the explosive enigma that is Bakugo Katsuki.

They're _not _not friends, per se, so Todoroki doesn't bother putting a label on their relationship, because the only thing he's aware of is Bakugo's victorious laugh when he wins during their training sessions and Bakugo's fierce scowl when Todoroki beats him in midterms. It makes Todoroki's heart stutter and the flower bloom.

They like to sit together on the roof at dawn in peaceful silence, when the dorm is quiet and morning comes.

Bakugo still yells insults at him but somehow, somehow the heat of it is gone and they're not arguing, they're _bantering. _

The only downside is an increase in coughing fits and the amount of blood and petals. He's seen Aizawa-sensei eyeing him subtly with worry, but his teacher hasn't approached him about it yet, even though he grows visibly more lethargic and antisocial than ever.

Todoroki knows he's head over heels. Love has made him drunk and careless but all the pain is worth it when he sees Bakugo smiling.

XI.

He has two months left and Todoroki thinks he should confess, but before that, Todoroki debates telling Midoriya.

He knows Midoriya is trustworthy. He's also Bakugo's oldest friend, so he'd probably know him best.

He pushes away the tiny bit of hesitation that clouds his mind and walks down the stairs to the common room, where he presumes Midoriya is. But the common room is surprisingly silent and he soon finds the reason why: there's nobody.

The silence is eerie, but it's broken by the sound of something crashing and…

What Todoroki sees is definitely not what he expects.

_Uraraka, _of all people, is kissing Bakugo.

Or the other way around, but Todoroki has lost any sense of reality by now.

—and then he's coughing, but his heart hurts so much more than his chest and he thinks he's weak and gullible to believe he ever had a chance.

He's so weak. He doesn't even want to think about what his father would ever say if he found out.

He hears Uraraka's gasp and Bakugo sounds angrier than ever, but he turns away without another word and runs.

_Pathetic. Disgusting. Is running the only thing you know how to do? _A voice that sounds suspiciously like his father croons in his ear, and he swats the air around him, as if trying to get rid of his internal conflict and the self doubt.

_Why would anybody fall for someone like you? You're weak and despicable. _The words ring in his head, despite his best efforts. His lungs are burning and his eyes are burning; the tears blur his vision and only reminds him of his failure.

The panic and fear and self loathing wars in his mind, and without thinking about it, he's already back in his room, leaning against the balcony.

Todoroki is no stranger to the edge. He has contemplated suicide throughout his childhood, and he has attempted (and failed, because his siblings are always there to catch him when he falls) to kill himself enough times for the dizzy vertigo of being a step away from death to feel familiar.

He sits down on the railing, swinging his legs and allowing the cold wind to calm him down, until the mess of emotions he's feeling is safely bottled and contained away and he has regained enough of his composure not to do anything stupid.

The stinging January wind pierces through his thin shirt but he embraces the pain.

He may never feel it ever again.

Todoroki is lost and confused and he wants somebody to tell him what to do. He doesn't know if he should choose to get rid of the plant and thus give up on Bakugo would be a sign of cowardice and weakness. He doesn't know if choosing to confront Bakugo about his feelings is a sign of bravery.

The scene of Uraraka and Bakugo kissing is imprinted in his mind and it stirs something in him, but Todoroki is sick and tired of his emotional baggage. Maybe it would be better if he forgot completely about it. After all, he can't miss something that was never his.

He wants to be a hero. A great hero. The best hero. But now, he can't even muster up the will to do anything. He feels empty and numb, like a passing ghost.

The thoughts rise up and crush him, clouding his mind. His screams echo in the abyss of nothingness, but only the freezing breeze he can't feel answers his questions.

XII.

One week after Uraraka and Bakugo's kissing fiasco, and Todoroki is avoiding Bakugo like the plague. Bakugo is also avoiding him, and Todoroki is all too fine with that.

He later learns it was a dare from his classmates.

Todoroki feels drained from his emotional rollercoaster. Recovery Girl's giving him one more week to decide what to do.

He hasn't decided yet. He needs time, but time's running out. The clock is ticking.

Todoroki breathes in the crisp air, staring up at the blank, dusty sky as if it'd give him answers. There's a sprinkle of snow falling and it covers everything in a fine blanket of white.

"Candy cane!" Bakugo approaches him, and Todoroki starts. The shock is enough to send him into a wheeze, and the cold air isn't helping. Why is Bakugo talking to him?

The coughs only worsen when he realises Bakugo is still there. The fresh blood he coughs is stark and bright against the pureness of the snow, and Todoroki quickly grabs the bloodied yellow iris petals and shoves them into his pockets, hoping the other doesn't notice.

"Bakugo? Do you need something?" Todoroki asks, rubbing his throat.

Bakugo only studies him in silence. It's unnerving, because the words Bakugo and silence never go together in a sentence. He's loud and boisterous and explosive, like fireworks in the sky.

"You're still coughing." Bakugo states. It's not a question. His voice sounds strange.

Todoroki knows he can't hide anything from the surprisingly perceptive Bakugo, so he swallows and says, "Yeah." His breath puffs in the air between them.

Bakugo stares at him some more and Todoroki lets him…and before he can react, Bakugo swings a fist at him. It's fast and hard, and on a good day Todoroki can see it coming a mile away, but now, in his weakened state, it hits him straight in the stomach, sending him sprawling back and into the snow.

Bakugo sneers down at him. "You've gotten so much weaker, half ass."

"I'm sorry," Todoroki wants to say, but the words are stuck in his throat, so he takes it in silence, looking up at Bakugo.

Bakugo kicks him, this time on the side. "Get your shit together, stupid. You're even gonna lose to fucking Deku at this point!"

Then, without a word, Bakugo turns around and heads back into the dorm, leaving Todoroki standing in the snow, alone and confused.

XII.

He has two more days before he needs to give his answer to Recovery Girl, and Todoroki finally breaks down from a combination of stress, pain and exhaustion.

He's not sure what triggers it, but he knows he's pretty much a ticking time bomb. Maybe it's the way Bakugo keeps glaring at him, rage lit like a fuse in his eyes. Maybe it's the pain of his throat, which rasps like rough sandpaper whenever he speaks. Maybe it's the suffocating and pressing concern of his classmates, their gazes prying and tearing him apart.

So when Yaoyorozu (the fifth person today) asks, "Todoroki, are you alright?" he snaps, completely and utterly.

"Leave me alone." he whispers, voice caught in his throat. He tries to stop his words, but he's just so tired of everything. "Just leave me alone!" Following his words, a solid wall of ice emits from his right foot, towering above them and isolating him from the others. He can hear the cries of surprise and shock, he can hear the questions and the concern, but before he knows it, he's sprinting away from the open field, desperate to get away from everything.

The wind stings his face.

He's sick and tired of being in pain all day all night. He's sick and tired of waking up to bloodstained yellow iris petals. He's sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time.

He was walking on a tightrope, carefully and meticulously balanced, but now he falls.

He runs for god knows how long until he's forced to stop, gasping for air. He's in Ground Beta, judging by the industrial buildings looming above him, which means he's somewhere near the dorms. His lungs are burning and Todoroki braces himself for the incoming coughs, fumbling through his pockets for the pills he always carries. They're pretty much ineffective at this point, but Todoroki likes to lie and pretend.

"Todoroki!" His spine straightens in surprise at his name, especially when he sees who it is. Backlog is heading towards him, a look of determination and burning anger on his face. It's one of those rare moments where Bakugo actually calls him by his name, which means he's probably serious, but he's still too winded up to respond.

Bakugo looks uncomfortable as he draws closer, as if he doesn't know what to do. "You damned idiot, don't go running off by yourself." Bakugo says.

"_You're_ lecturing me?" Todoroki chortles incredulously after he regains his breath.

Bakugo flushes. "Shut the fuck up!"

Todoroki exhales, massaging his chest. Maybe he shouldn't have sprinted, because now he's regretting it. His chest and throat is hurting, and he can feel another cough coming up soon.

Today is a bad day.

"Oh my, what do we have here?" a sickeningly sweet voice coos from behind them, and Todoroki and Bakugo whirl around.

Correction: today is a shitty day.

"Himiko Toga." Todoroki says gravelly as he wipes his bloodied palms against his pants. He doesn't focus on the _why the fuck are the league of villains here_ part, but more on the _how are they going to survive _part. If it's just Himiko Toga, then—

"Shoto Todoroki and Bakugo Katsuki. What a catch." A monotone drones, and Dabi steps out.

Todoroki just can't catch a break, can he.

"Boss will definitely be pleased!" Mr. Compress emerges.

He sighs. They're outnumbered two to three, and—

"Interesting! Boring." Twice rubs his hands together in anticipation

Make that two to four. Or more like one and a half to four, because Todoroki's strength is dwindled.

"You want to kill us? Huh?" Backlog's eyes glint maniacally. "Go ahead and try, fuckers!"

"How did you get in here again?" Todoroki asks as he readies his stance to fight, ignoring the protesting of his throat and the discomfort in his chest. They need to draw this out until the teachers come, especially with their numerical disadvantage right now.

"Pfft. We can't waste time on them, we've got bigger fish to fry." Mr. Compress smirks.

That, of course, only riles Bakugo up further. "You dumb shits, I'll show you who's a bigger fish!" He launches himself at Mr. Compress and Twice, palms sparking and ready to go, which leaves Todoroki with Dabi and Himiko Toga.

Todoroki suppresses his cough and faces the two Villains.

"You're so handsome!" Toga gushes. "I bet you'll look even better covered in blood!"

Instead of answering, Todoroki sends a powerful wave of ice towards the three, simultaneously igniting his left side with fire to balance out his attacks. They need to draw as much attention as possible and stall the Villains.

Toga giggles and nimbly dances out of the way, while Dabi merely counters with his eerie blue flames. Todoroki relentlessly continues his onslaught, occasionally releasing bursts of fire when Dabi strikes back. He's holding out pretty well until his throat decides to remind him about his weakened state and starts to constrict again.

"Shit," Todoroki says as Bakugo yells at the same time, "Die!"

Mr. Compress and Twice are blown away in a blinding explosion which leaves Todoroki with stars in his vision. The ground is completely wrecked and littered with rubble and debris.

Bakugo turns around, firing precise and explosive shots. It hits Toga in the arm and sends her yelping and reeling back.

"Hey, half and half, focus!" Bakugo snarks, "Are you trying to get yourself killed?"

Todoroki's brows furrow, but just before he spares the breath to reply, he sees Mr. Compress sneaking behind Bakugo, who's still busy trying to fend off Dabi's flames. There's no way Bakugo can defend his back in time—

Oh shit oh shit oh shit.

Not Bakugo.

"Back!" Todoroki shouts instinctively even as he turns, forgetting about Toga's attacks, and fires a giant barrier of ice right behind Bakugo, causing Mr. Compress to crash and bounce off. However, that momentary lapse in defence is enough for Toga to come behind him and whisper, "Hey, handsome," before she slips her knife between his ribs.

"NO!" Bakugo bellows, and Toga savagely twists the knife before she yanks it away. It all transpires in a moment—a moment ago, Toga is still behind him, and the next, Todoroki drops like a puppet with its strings cut onto the ground, hard.

Todoroki doesn't remember much of what happens next. He can't see or feel anything, not the blood pooling around him or the monstrous gash in his torso, not the heat from the numerous explosions Bakugo sets off that leaves his arms twisted and sprained. He just recalls a lot of shouting and yelling and screaming and fire that turns the white sky bright orange and red, like Bakugo's eyes.

Then he's getting picked up, and he's cradled in Bakugo's arms. Those red eyes are locked onto his, burning with fervour and pain and anger. Todoroki is enveloped in the warmth and strength of Bakugo's arms encircled around him. It doesn't feel like reality; his eyes are starting to grow heavy and the world is swaying.

Then he's laid back carefully on the ground while Bakugo wraps his torso with his jacket, the blood staining the fabric red.

"You—you absolute fucking moron!" Bakugo looks panicked. Why is he panicked?

He wants to ask Bakugo something, but his tongue feels like a useless lump in his mouth and suddenly his throat is constricting and he can't breathe. He's choking on blood and petals and Bakugo keeps rubbing his back, avoiding the bloody stab wound, repeating, "You're gonna be okay, you're gonna be okay," over and over in a mantra.

Todoroki doesn't think he's ever heard Bakugo sounds so…gentle. He looks absolutely beautiful, bathed in the dying embers of the explosion, cheeks scraped and bloody but he's alive and it takes Todoroki's breath away, quite literally.

"It's my fault," Todoroki says, after he regains some control over his tongue, if only temporarily. Coughing has also brought sensation back, and he can feel the burning agony of his wound, aggravated by his intense coughing. He says it quietly, so quietly, like a whisper that could be stolen by the wind. "If I hadn't—"

"Shut up, bastard. Why the fuck did you save me and not take care of youself?" Bakugo's voice sounds strangled. He picks up Todoroki's battered body and holds him close, like he's a piece of porcelain china to be cherished.

"Because it's you." Todoroki breathes, and damn why is he so emotional? He wants to sleep so badly. The pain tickling his throat is gone, and he's completely numb again. Bakugo is walking at a brisk pace, somehow not jostling Todoroki, and the warmth almost lulls him to sleep.

Fingers feel along Todoroki's neck for his pulse, and Bakugo curses. "Don't you dare close your eyes. You're not allowed to sleep, do you hear me? You can't die, dammit!"

"Already dying," Todoroki mumbles, a little delirious now. "Been dying for four months…stupid disease…"

Bakugo's breathing becomes uneven. "What are you talking about?"

"Sleep…" Todoroki is finding it harder and harder to focus on talking.

"Fuck!' Bakugo starts full out sprinting. "Don't sleep yet! You can sleep all you want when we get back to Recovery Girl's, ok?"

"…sorry."

Todoroki tries, but he's fighting a futile battle. The waves of darkness, ignoring his resistance, pull him into an empty and silent abyss.

Two weeks later, Shoto Todoroki wakes up without any memory of Bakugo Katsuki.

preview:

"I'll make it up to you, I promise," Bakugo says suddenly, because he can't repress the emotions that are rising in his chest, "I'll make you fall in love with me again."

Todoroki stops in his tracks, and Bakugo can hear the smile in his voice as he says, "I would hope so."


End file.
